In this room, I do start to feel violent
in a directionless way
like there’s no bucket to throw up in
so you puke in your hands or swallow.
There’s only yourself to damage.
In this room,
nobody looks me in the eye.
I must not be here.
If I am not here,
then I must be a machine
almost perfect,
made perfecter in silence.
Dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.
Ergo drum.
So, I am
to the carpet, to the men
as machine as the Wurlitzer organ.
What a funny sound she makes.
Is my voice truly so sour in your bucket ears
that there is nothing good to hear in me?
I doubt, therefore I drum.
Author: Eva
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Drum Machine
-
lightening in the middle of the day
the string of fate pulls you forward forward
forward to the next song forward to the skill tree, branches
torn off like arms
lie at your feet
and the air is blue tinted, cool and smells of steel.
A student who knows all the rules
and pivots.
There will be a ceremony in the woods
there will be a test later
there will be a smarter person
somebody else, their turn for it
there’s a lot more than one place you can go
and you pivot. -
what’s annoying me lately 9/15/2025
Maybe it’s the inconsistent coffee drinking, lack of real sleep, fear of the temperature in my bedroom dropping below freezing this winter, or that I’m so busy that I think of my schedule in terms of “pockets of time”. But I’ve been annoyed with just about everything. Here are some examples:
- The word “inhumane.” It’s confusing, as its usage feels inconsistent. One guy gets killed and it’s considered inhumane, but sending American troops to occupy another country is for the good of the people. This word is a trick.
- The sentence structure: “____ is not ___. It’s_____.” You’ve seen this on social media. It’s written in a serious tone and always reads to me like a person up on their high horse. You can picture their pursed, quivering lips, angry tears in their eyes. I always wanna say fuck you no matter what it is. Really, it could be “Sesame Street is not just a children’s show. It’s a school of kindness.” Oh yeah, buddy? Fuck you.
- People asking permission on reddit. I’m 43 is it too late to learn how to play drums? / I’m a violinist, am I allowed to play another instrument? / I’m studying Spanish, is it okay to study Japanese too? I’m gonna need you to say yes to the dress, babe. Stop asking strangers on the internet if it’s okay to try something new. Where did this nonsensical question come from anyway? I get that western society is a factory and that here, it’s okay to daydream but not okay to act. When I was in college pursuing an art degree, people would ask which coffee shop I was going to work at upon graduation. I worked at Caribou during school, you jerk. And the implication is that art is not a real job. It’s not in our society, especially with AI now. That’s a new topic, and you can probably guess my opinions on the horrendous nature of AI art. Anyway, a deep frown always appeared on my face when I spoke to those people. These are, after all, the saddest people I have ever come across. Worthy of simultaneous disgust and pity.
Back to my main point, whose permission are you after anyway? Surely not the losers who have slit the throat of their childlike wonder and called it “growing up.” What do you want to hear and why do you need to hear it? Uncook that pasta spine of yours and fortify your will. Start learning whatever you want and stop if you hate it. - My phone. I pick it up and it does not give me a deep sense of gratification or accomplishment. Neither does it give me calm or make me feel safe. What the hell am I addicted to you for, then? Why do I even look at you? Say hello to the wall!
Generally yours,
Eva -
8/27/2025 What I’m listening to lately
Music. It’s what dreams are made of. There’s something strange in the air but let’s not talk about it yet. Things are changing in my life, and here’s what I’ve been listening to while that happens.

- VINYL! I have a record player set up now complete with bookshelf speakers, an old Audio-Technica turntable, and an Onkyo receiver. The bookshelf speakers are not resting on the same table as the turntable anymore, worry not. I only have about 10 records, 2 of which are from bands I was in. Vinyl is like $20-40 new though and takes up space, so it’s a highly selective process. You better believe I’ve got Heavy Metal and 3D Country. Torn between preordering Geese’s upcoming Getting Killed or buying it from the merch table at their show. I want a signed copy!
- Cameron Winter’s unreleased “Leave Me Alone/If You Turn Back Now” – As soon as I heard this. Leaned back in my chair and sighed. What am I supposed to do now.
- “100 Horses” by Geese – particularly fond of the line “But we have danced for too long / We have danced for far too long and now I must change completely” and yes it’s because of the Winds of Change in my life rn
- Bryter Layter and Pink Moon by Nick Drake – Just getting into Nick Drake for the first time. My current favorite is “One of These Things First“.
- RadioK.org – I used to work there, and it’s one of the first places I turn to when it’s time to branch out. I requested “For Ella” by Friko but they vetoed it because it was too sad. Fair. Now that I have an actual radio, it’s tuned to 100.7 FM <3 Twin Cities, baby!
- Gustav Holst’s “Mars“ – It. Does. Not. Fucking. Miss. Some strange remix was playing at the Electric Fetus, and the store guy said it was “The Devil’s Triangle” by King Crimson. Right on. When it’s time to lose your smile and do what must be done, Mars will give you strength.
Stay bold. Stay passionate.
Eva -
The Mail Came
It’s open on my couch.
I wonder
if I really must do the hardest things to be worthy
of myself
of others
do I really need to be impressive with Japanese
do I really need to show my work – how much I studied
how long it took me to write an essay how many times I
didn’t cry
wanted to
how tough I really am how little I use the flee response
I freeze I fawn I fight fight fight.
I missed the deadline.
Favorite pastime.
There should be some in-between, no? Can I get a little in-between?
Can’t I put my feet up and be as worthy of the room as the furniture?
The bouquet is not too dry to hang on the wall.
That open letter.
They took away my health insurance again. -
8/5/25 What I’m Listening To Lately
Most of this was exclusively what I needed to assist me with the Geese essay. Music, ASMR, an audiobook, and now I’m worming my way back to Japanese immersion and other music.
- “Taxes” by Geese. Well of course. Though after I finished the essay, it has been on the shelf. Perhaps a deep dive was an overindulgence in the food of this song, and I may never be able to taste it the same way again. Who’s to say.
- FrivolousFox’s background ASMR. I haven’t watched this video and can’t even tell you what all the triggers are. But whenever this plays, I immediately lock in. Oddly, no other video has worked this time. Usually a pomodoro will do it, but no. Can’t even be Frivvy’s other videos. Gotta be This. One.
- “Self-Reliance” by Ralph Waldo Emerson – audiobook from Libby. I was super stuck with my essay and figured I better return to Emerson for help, as I haven’t read him since high school. I was into the transcendentalists back then and am pleased I can actually understand what he’s talking about now. The audiobook is only an hour, so give it a shot!
- Heavy Metal by Cameron Winter. I worry that one day I’ll listen to this album and it’ll sound like the summer I was stuck in traffic.
- “Trinidad” by Geese. Couldn’t get a more perfect song for a drive to work with the windows down. Cameron Winter released/leaked it – there’s speculation that it was a cute thing to do for hardcore fans – 4 days before the official release. I lucked out and hopped on his IG live during his announcement. Being a fan of people who are both real and still alive is pretty neat!
- Furen-san’s Let’s Play of Supermarket Simulator Now that the wave of insanity has quelled, I am slowly inching my way back to Japanese immersion. Haven’t started up Anki again this month. Wondering if I’ll take the JLPT in December after all.
- Cut Worms by Cut Worms. This album’s only 35 minutes and it’s perfect for a drive or a walk. It sounds old, but it’s from 2023! Notably, this is the only non-Geese music I’ve been able to sink into in recent months. On repeat: “Is it Magic?” and “Let’s Go Out On The Town” (does someone wanna dance with me to this song?)
That’ll do it for this round!
See ya later,
Eva -
Faith Says
Faith says you woke up somewhere
with an open world and directions
Found a horse
with the nose of a bloodhound.
He wants to head West
towards the cold
but you don’t let him yet.You’re a cowboy in a canyon
And when the red dust frosts you like a cake
You come back this way.
Put your big ears down
And your heavy mallet
The piano will miss you when it lands.You unbolted those wooden arms of hers and now
She lies flat on the floor, hingeless.
She sings through the tile
all the way down.
She has the water and the music
and the snow you gathered rolling over here. -
With Geese As Our Witness: An Analysis of “Taxes”
The amount of scarves this song has me pulling from its sleeves makes me feel like a clown about to cry at a party. Just when I think I’m done, there’s more. Here’s the official audio, and the video (video’s audio is slightly different).
Caveats before we begin:
- This is my own interpretation of the work. While I proudly belong to Geese Nation, I am not actually affiliated with the band :[ and cannot claim my arguments to be the truth or what they intended.
- That said. I am 100% right about everything.
Taxes
I should burn in hell
I should burn in hell
But I don’t deserve this
Nobody deserves thisIf you want me to pay my taxes
If you want me to pay my taxes
You’d better come over with a crucifix
You’re gonna have to nail me down.Doctor, doctor! heal yourself
Doctor, doctor! heal yourself
And I will break my own heart
I will break my own heart from now on.
This is not Cameron Winter’s usual stream-of-consciousness style of writing like we see with Geese’s 3D Country and his recent solo album, Heavy Metal. This time, “Taxes” reads like a premeditated poem layered with double meanings and purpose. Here, we have a writer who made a deliberate switch in writing style as a way to lead by example. The band plays with form both in the doubling of lyrics and the change in the middle and in doing so reveals the truth about our own patterns. We do not consume to satisfy ourselves, but to prevent others from surviving, using conformity as a means to unjustly absolve ourselves of guilt. That is the key. The characters in “Taxes” act upon others. Geese tells us to examine this choice with unwavering empathy, and convinces us to follow a moral code. Though, it’s not enough to simply recognize we’re hurting others, but to feel the same pain as we have caused.
The amount of doubling is noteworthy in how it both emphasizes each idea and presents choices. Max Bassin said in an interview, “We really loved the switch that the song does right in the middle…It’s one song and then it’s another song.” In terms of form alone, we have two songs, six couplets with repetition, and light versus dark. The single cover art has a bright blue sky in contrast to the dark video. The album art has a trumpet and a gun. A classic dichotomy. Don’t be bad. Be good instead! But how can you decide what’s good in a world that always changes?
In Japanese, there’s a concept that instructor Cure Dolly called “self move/other move“. This is more than a grammar point I need to know for the JLPT. Here we have makeru, to be defeated (self move) and makasu, to defeat (other move). In “Taxes,” each character is other-moving, placing their actions on others. “Doctor, heal yourself” and “I will break my own heart from now on” mean that both characters must go from other-move to self-move.

There are three characters in this song, and all of them suck in their own special way. The speaker breaks hearts despite knowing it’s wrong. The tax collector (whose identity is debatable) takes from the speaker without permission. The doctor tries to fix other people’s problems rather than address their own. Acting as a herald, the speaker calls all three of them out on their bullshit because he himself is faced with an empathy so painful it rivals the depths of hell. All three of them have the ability to change the direction of their behavior from others to the self. Not as a way to stand among their peers in conformity of what might today be considered morally good, but to be fully aware of themselves.
“Physician, Heal Thyself,” is a proverb that basically means to deal with your own problems before you try to fix others, like the flight attendants say. The doctor, who famously heals others, is told to heal themselves. If we follow the logical pattern, we can also assume the speaker usually breaks other people’s hearts and will break his own from now on. And I don’t believe we have an egotistical Cameron calling himself a hotshot heartbreaker. Rather, we have a speaker who has either discovered empathy for the first time or has been broken by the same harm as he’s inflicted. There is no apology, only a recognition of self and a resolve to change.
Lyrically, this last verse is doing the most challenging work of the song. It introduces a logical pattern, commands all characters to ‘other-move,’ and gives us more background about the speaker. So what do we know about him? Do we know why he should burn in hell? Why and how does he break hearts? Is this person designed to cause harm and can only control where it’s aimed? We don’t know a damn thing, turns out. I’m guessing Cameron would like it that way.


Literal or metaphorical, the song changes color depending on your interpretation of the word “taxes,” but it keeps the same flavor. Taken literally, the tax collector’s identity is likely the US government. It’s July 2025 and many people are concerned that our taxes are funding the genocide in Gaza. “Taxes” could certainly be a protest song, as there is much to criticize about how our government does or doesn’t spend our money. Metaphorically, the tax collector is an entity that takes from the speaker without his consent. Taxes could be money, it could be dignity, love, any number of things. RIP Henry David Thoreau, you would’ve loved Geese.
We’re all poets here, but ultimately the song still slaps whether we’re being literal or metaphorical. The collector has plenty of things to fix in their own house before coming after our speaker, who will fight to the death rather than lose whatever he’s holding onto. In the third verse, he’s holding onto his heart so nobody but him can break it. So why isn’t this a love song?
Geese’s last album 3D Country and Cameron Winter’s solo album Heavy Metal both deal with themes of loneliness and romantic love. This time, we as listeners are certainly allowed to take this song as a romantic lament. And as a standalone song, that could work. However, the nature of the video alone screams social commentary. That plus the album’s title, Getting Killed, and the album cover of Emily Green with both a herald’s trumpet and gun pointed at the viewer prevent me from calling this a love anthem. More importantly, I trust that the writer who brought us “Love Takes Miles” would not fold a love song beneath this many unrelated references. Instead, these elements suggest judgement and rebirth.

In the official music video, Geese references Francisco Goya’s Saturn Devouring His Son. Goya made a series of paintings in his home directly on the walls between 1820-1823. No canvas, no titles or notes. Experts believe this painting is probably about the time Saturn didn’t want his children to overthrow him, so he ate them. As The Replacements would say, “he might be a father, but he sure ain’t a dad.” Also, what was that prop made out of?
Regardless, if we liken a concert-goer to Saturn, we can argue that the crazed audience acts upon their own selfish desires and consumes each other to prevent others from climbing the ladder first. Kill or be killed. But must we be cannibalized first before knowing it’s wrong to eat the homies?
The video begins as if shot on an audience member’s phone. You see their POV as they weave through the crowd and get closer to the stage. It looks like a chill, intimate concert that would make you feel safe and respected, as the audience easily allows the viewer to the front despite their lateness to the show. But when Geese hits the final note in the 2nd verse, “down,” the sound and energy expand, and the audience becomes chaotic and violent. What a word to change things, eh? Like a command – Down with civility baby, we’re eating feet!

deep blue sky = higher altitude? = Emily’s far above us 
a cyanometer measures the blueness of the sky 
Getting Killed album cover, queen of multitasking 
Screenshot of their website In the official tour promo & their current website’s design, there’s a gun, crucifix, sword, and a trumpet. The four of which sound like the makings of a great D&D campaign (Geesecast episode 4. Please). On the single’s cover art, Emily Green towers above us in a pure white robe on a bright day, sword of judgement in hand. Her stance is open, but she is turned away from us, hair draped over her face as if she doesn’t want to look at us. Is she pushing us away or beckoning us to join her in the deep blue sky? Since they recently posted a short on YouTube with the caption “found the light,” I’m gonna say we are being beckoned to die and join them in heaven. But let’s just say they’re talking about finding the light within, like in a metaphorical sense while we’re still alive and they don’t truly mean anything more sinister (omg am I in a cult). What do they really mean?
Let’s turn to Ralph Waldo Emerson. (As an aside, he and Thoreau were both alive when Goya made the Black Paintings) Here’s an excerpt from “Self Reliance” (honestly the whole essay is such a banger it was hard to choose just one excerpt). Essentially: Absolve you to yourself regardless of what society deems good or evil, because the definitions of those words change. In “Nina + Field of Cops,” Cameron sings, “My name is gonna sound old to you, but names are donuts on the sea, names are peanuts in the trees, names bid you to beg for trash.” These two excerpts hold either end of the same jump rope. Choose what is right in your heart no matter who surrounds you. (don’t be a dick about it though)

And at 2:48 we have someone who “found the light.” This person alone – apart from the band on stage – stands still among the violence, tears dripping down their face. Neither as a victim or perpetrator, but someone who chose to separate themselves from the mob through nonviolence. The Geese Way. To gaze above the mess like Cameron, Emily, and Dominic (Max is busy getting killed with a drumstick, which checks out) and absolve themselves in a way that allows for inner peace.

Through the video and use of references, and by making a lyrical and sonic choice that crafts this song into doubles, Geese leads the way to the bright light. First we gotta kill our past selves, along with the parts that yearn to destroy others who are already ahead of us or rising there. Which hopefully is not an everyday experience for you but I digress. Then, we gotta accept the truth of what’s left. Chin up! There’s always another song to change into.
Cheers,
Eva
P.S. Some have called this “rapture vibes”. To thee I say: Ye who knows more about Jesus may write thine own essay. I didn’t even know “Physician, Heal Thyself” was a thing until my friend Emmett told me. Thanks, Emmett!
Sources: Geese, Taxes Audio, Taxes Video, Cure Dolly, Henry David Thoreau, Saturn Devouring His Son, Self Reliance, Thanks for the photo, Thanks for the Max Interview, Actual Max Interview (Beg. 46:50), NPR tax conversation
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7/21/25 streams of consciousness
There were poems I meant to write this week and sentences too afraid to call me back and so I folded them into a sock and put em in a drawer with the rest of the clean laundry.
Apartment I
As put away as it can be before you come over with your batteries and open lung. We are recording the river or the birds and will watch as we both guess the meaning of bulrush and if it’s as hard to pass through as the tongue makes it sound. We will watch for the sound, watch for the bird wings and ask if they’ve seen this in their ancestry before – to know something in their baths if they saw what it means to be stuck on land making our feet sick first.I put the sweater back, bright green I fold it the way a bird folds a puddle. I can only trace your reflection in the water and pretend I am the water too. You have a bow with no need for arrows, you let them all loose. The four of them italicized in mud. Clean.
Apartment II
It’s taking everybody’s toothpicks to keep me standing. Tetherball on a plate, dinner plate next to the coffee and my cold feet up on the window, I’m sliding towards the city. Wished for a birthday further away – it is a surge of water my nose isn’t ready for in the summer with the hose and artificial rainbows and wet grass stuck to ankles and the old tear in my leg tugged taught as a bowstring you aren’t supposed to pull back without an arrow. I am a habit bad for its mechanism.There is a day of the week with time in it somewhere, hidden inventory hidden treasure hidden day entirely fabled – a rider with a cloak and satin brown horse could come do these dishes and hunt for the nuts I buried last winter. You could come find the red paint and leather string and yellow yarn and tell me what to keep. If there was only someone as present as next week who could tell me what to keep.
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What I’m listening to this week 7/07
707 LOL. I like when numbers do that. 808 BOB.
Lately I’ve been listening to Sarah Chang again. She’s got a special place in my heart, because when I first started playing the violin at 8, my grandma gave me her 1992 Debut. It was a little girl (Chang) on the front cover not much older than me, and she was playing violin with such ease and mastery. That album had Sarasate’s Carmen on it, which I recognized from an episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog. I thought this was scary as hell so naturally I kept listening to it.
Here’s what’s been going on in my ears this week:
- Sarah Chang – Pablo de Sarasate’s Carmen Fantasy . The story of the opera (Bizet) is wild. It’s an opera, though. Someone’s gotta die.
- Sarah Chang – Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. It goes hard when you hear it in its own context, rather than whatever dumbass commercial it’s slapped across.
- Sarah Chang – The Sibelius Violin Concerto in D Minor. Had me crying tears of awe in my apartment at midnight after 4th of July. You can’t keep me away from Sarah Chang’s music! You cannot!
- Scott Walker – his album Scott 4. My first foray into his music. I liked The Seventh Seal (based on Ingmar Bergman’s movie of the same name) for both the wrong reason and the right one. Right reason: I like chess and songs that have stories in them. Wrong reason: I thought this was named after Seven Samurai by Akira Kurosawa. Which is a movie I have seen recently. Which has a different name than the song. Which has nothing to do with chess.
- Cameron Winter’s Heavy Metal. Same as last week and the month before. Bought the vinyl this week, don’t have a record player.
Idk if this is more or less depressing than the last time I did this. Either way, new Geese music drops tomorrow. Hell yeah.
See you soon,
Eva